Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Craptastrophe's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 19th, 2006
8:29 pm	A story An AIM crap fantasy? Or is it a reality? You decide.. craptastrophe: it's a steamy pile of feces now craptastrophe: and it's all running because my tears are showering down upon it like rain craptastrophe: so there's this runny poop on the sidewalk outside crapketeer: are you on the floor under your desk wiping your tears away with a paper towel stained with hot pocket grease craptastrophe: i'm peeking at it through the shades and shuddering crapketeer: YES crapketeer: is it your cat's crapketeer: or yours craptastrophe: mine crapketeer: or your dad's crapketeer: or what crapketeer: YES craptastrophe: mine it's my poop crapketeer: how craptastrophe: i pooped out there and i can't handle the reality of what i just did crapketeer: did crapketeer: wh crapketeer: explain pls craptastrophe: well there's no door on the bathroom upstairs and someone was in the bathroom downstairs so i went outside and climbed the tree and tried to poop into the open trashcan from a branch but i missed albino eyelashes: i went inside to get a broom to push it to the drain by the driveway but i couldn't find a broom crapketeer: oh crapketeer: oh my god crapketeer: that is the most horrible story i have ever heard Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Our Lady Peace - Clumsy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
1:21 pm	Initials I just crapped my initials. My first and last initial (middle was not seen), perfectly curved and everything. It was amazing. Current Mood: amazed Current Music: nothingness (Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
9:40 am	Body v. Mind I hate when exhaustion wins out over expulsion. Every once in a while I'll be too busy during the day to even think about crapping, I'll come home, fall flat asleep, and not wake up until the next day. I'll get to work and then, noticing my lack of morning farts (I am sure I fart in my sleep, however, there's the bumpy road on the daily commute that gets things moving in my colon), realize I haven't crapped in a while. And those are always the most urgent shits ever; as though my heart drops to my ass and everything must come out. They also take forever, meaning the phone in the office will ring and I'll get a call later, "Where were you?" "I was... busy." I'm also going to come right out and admit it today: I like the smell of my own farts and my own shits. I am certain that most other people dig their own brand, too. Though as much as I try to appreciate the aromas others unleash upon the world, I can't. I wonder why that is? Why do I like my own ass-perfume but abhor the offerings of others? A friend of the Assperiment has offered to do a guest-entry, which I am more than happy to post. So, for future reference, if an entry appears in red, it is a guest entry. And, for the people living under a rock, Spreading Santorum. Current Mood: relieved Current Music: nothing (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
12:39 pm	Con- consti- hell I can't say it. I can't poop. I can't shit. At all. No relaxing exercises, nothing. I feel like I have a brick stuck in my colon. I hate having my period. The cramping doesn't bother me, the blood is actually fun, it's a great excuse to be rude. But the constipation is fucking MURDER. Current Mood: backed up (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
11:14 pm	It was black this time. Dark, violent and yet- Sub due d She falls slowly, mysteriously Black as the soul of the damned (coal-ink-ebony-#FFFFFF) Thunderous approval Forever a mess Somehow, I shit midnight. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 7th, 2005
8:11 am	And Still! It is with a light heart and a slick asshole that I resign myself to a lifetime of KY usage. This morning I awoke to discover that my ass area was unbearably sore, as though I had a Brillo pad clenched between my ass cheeks. I reached back, expecting to find some sort of miracle hair from Hell in there (considering I keep that area quite clear of that type of thing), but I found nothing buy dryness and soreness. Even showering was a chore, normally I enjoy sliding the soap down the crack of my ass like some sort of erogenous credit card, but this time it just hurt. So, after the shower and a quick toweling off, I opened my drawer and pulled out my good old KY lubrication. It's a small tube, it's 3/4ths gone, but I've had it for a long time. I kind of wet the area and pulled my panties up (normally I am commando but I didn't want to risk a greasy lube-splotch on my jeans), and walking, bending, everything was easy. It really is the miracle lube. Farting today has been an absolute delight. All of this, and yesterday's shenanigans, has me thinking I probably will end up enjoying anal sex someday. A lot. Current Mood: busy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
8:14 am	No Longer Stoic My asshole is feeling very unreliable today, which, admittedly, is my fault. I was in the shower feeling like I desperately needed to shit, I felt like I was packed with it. So I hop out when I'm done, sit... and barely anything. But what did come out was messy. I felt like the entire shower was for naught. I went into my room and got my tube of KY, applied liberally to my finger, and jammed it up the old poop chute in an attempt at a reverse gag reflex, but that did nothing either, aside from get poop under my nails. So now my anus feels all slippery and weak, and every fart is quickly aborted mid-sphincter flex for fear of some horrible Russian roulette accident. Today is Hell. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Monday, March 28th, 2005
8:33 am	Force-like bond Is it possible to be so removed and unaware of your digestive system beyond GIGO that you cannot even tell if you are constipated? I'm not suggesting that everyone has the Force-like, nearly spiritual connection with their ass like I do. Of course not; that's ridiculous. And impossible. But to be so unknowing of one of the most hilarious systems of the human body... does your circulatory system spray blood when you are sick or you laugh way, way too hard? Does your nervous system expel hilarious gases at inopportune moments? I know a woman who has intestinal discomfort, has not shat in 3 days, and is seeing a gastro-intestinal specialist because of it. Had x-rays taken! HONEY, YOUR ASS IS BACKED UP WITH SHIT. YOU'RE CONSTIPATED. Anyone should know this! It's so obvious! I'm not going to say a damn thing to her. Let her get some camera jammed up her ass, and maybe she'll learn to love her colon from here on out. I doubt it, but I'll take any excuse to know someone had to get something stuffed up their ass. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
12:55 pm	Fear "I was so scared I nearly shit myself!" Have you ever said that? I never really thought about the phrase before, even though it's something I said fairly regularly. But you should think about it. Seriously. Have you ever had a moment of such intense fear for your mortal life? Did your bowels loosen a little? I was sitting on the can here at work, peeing. I started thinking of this picture I'd seen of the Helix Nebula. It's called the "Eye of God" because it really does look like an eye-- a big, beautiful blue eye with an iris and pupil and eyelids and everything. But... Then I tried to imagine it blinking. I have a vivid imagination, and, well, I frightened myself. Then I tried to imagine God watching me as I took a leak, and the kicker was imagining how we all came to be. Why we are, how our social structures exist, considering how we very well may all be just a dream. The entire contents of my bowels fell easily from my anus, as though it were some sort of brown, chunky waterfall. It feels like I'll never have to shit again, since I shit everything out already. It was the first time I've ever been healthy, not intoxicated, and aware of my surroundings and still managed to lose control of my bowels. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 20th, 2005
8:03 pm	Amityville Horror Around 3 in the afternoon, I'd realized I had not defecated since the night before, so I decided to see how long I could hold off. Alas, as I part with a new book to read, I am sad to say that I was incapable of restraining myself past 20:05, Eastern on Sunday, March 20, 2005. As an aside, I bought rice milk as a substitute to regular milk. Hopefully, this new rice-based milk-flavored drink will save my poor ass some suffering next time I want cereal. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 11th, 2005
11:24 am	Shame II So, about yesterday's entry. I, uh, shat in the shower. For the past few days I'd been having the most horrifying shitsplosions of my life, the poop was coming out looking like dark brown, hell, BLACK pond scum and it would settle on the surface of the water. It was frightening. And, as it is with diarrhea, excessive. I've been trying to take better care of my anus these days, because I do not want to have hemorrhoids in the future. So, instead of just sitting on the toilet, groaning and feeling sick as I pushed (it felt, for all the world, like I was giving birth through my ass, contractions and all) and wiping my asshole raw, I would do my business, hop in the shower, wash up, and feel refreshed. I got into the shower, washed my face, my hair, usual stuff. But then that sick-warning wave crashed over my bowels and I knew that, were I to get out of the shower to sit on the toilet, I would slide right off and get my ass pinned between the toilet and the wall (again). So I just... hunched down and went. Since it was that runny consistency, it ran down the drain with no problems. Still, though, it was like a line was crossed. I've now done everything in that shower. I've pissed, bled, vomited (one glorious night was spent with my ass on the toilet and my head lolling in the shower as I spewed from both ends), and crapped in there. I feel as though some sort of... celebration is in order. ----------- In other news, I had Chinese food last night, which resulted in yet ANOTHER annoying shit. I HATE when the weird vegetables in the lomein don't digest, so the stringy ones make for the most uncomfortable crap in the world. Just sitting there, with some weird poo-stained vegetation half-in, half-out of my anus. Ugh. Current Mood: blah (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 10th, 2005
9:58 pm	Shame I ...is a personal thing, only you can make yourself feel shame. I... pooped in the shower. I'm sorry, I can't talk about this right now. I'll elaborate tomorrow. I just can't. Current Mood: ashamed Current Music: Elton John - Something About the Way You Look Tonight (Comment on this)
Monday, March 7th, 2005
11:29 am	Aromatherapy Things my poo has smelled like: -Burning grass -Burning wood -Rotten meat -Petting zoo -Marijuana -Sausage -Acrylic -Mint -Eggs (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 6th, 2005
2:57 pm	Oh God Many hours on the can have been spent pondering what I would do if something fell in the toilet. How important does it have to be for me to scoop it out? What would I use? What if it were a public toilet? Would I ever resort to using my hands? Would that depend on what I'd done in the toilet? Today as I took a dump (uneventful, "normal" coloring and firmness, no objects visible), I used the last of the toilet paper. I wiped, stood up, and hadn't flushed yet when I tried to remove the cardboard tube. This time, my lack of fingernails worked against me and I couldn't grip the spring-loaded dowel, and it flew into the toilet. Just sitting there. It was one of the few times in my life where I have sincerely gasped out loud. I just stared at it for a minute or so, dumbfounded. Eventually, I found this... plastic thing I don't know what the hell it was. But I used that to scoop it out and fling it into the sink. I flushed immediately and stared at it some more. The only thing I could think to do at that point was to put the stopper in the sink and let it fill with water as hot as I could get it, and I let the two plastic things sit in it for a bit as I thought of exactly how crazy that was. I took them out and dried them with a hand towel, put the new roll of paper on the dowel, put the weird plastic thing back in it's basket, took my book (America: The Book), and left. I'll speak not a word of this to anyone in the house. As an aside, before this debacle began, I saw a housefly sitting cold-drunk on the window and slapped it with a magazine, wadded it in a bit of toilet paper, and threw it in the toilet. I didn't flush, even though I normally do. I just always feel bad. As though it wasn't bad enough that I had to kill it, but I have to unload my waste on it too? I believe I got what I deserved for doing that to it. Current Mood: embarrassed Current Music: Jimmy Eat World - Work (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
8:45 pm	Weeping and such sorts of carrying on. Nobody knows my pain. Nobody can. I just took a shit that ended in tears*. I haven't done much in the way of my ass lately. Last summer I ate a handful (about 7) Dulcolax on a "dare" from my fellow assplorer. It resulted in panicking Google searches ("Oh my God, can this kill me?") and 3 of the most agonizing hours of blinding intestinal pain of my life, writhing in bed with cold sweats (in 90 degree weather) and mad-dashes to the toilet. I thought I was going to die. Needless to say, it was my most successful assperiment to date. However, upon becoming constipated, I took only one Dulcolax, which lead to a milder, but still painful visit of the last time. I'm afraid laxatives are just not for me. The Vice guide to shit is one of the most comprehensive compilations of crap information I've read, touching on the many facets of shit. *Both pronunciations apply Current Mood: amused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 29th, 2005
5:19 pm	Movie I'd like to write a romantic screenplay wherein one lead role is a character who is a corprophage and the other is not, but they're still in love. However, I'm not quite sure how to go about this without turning it into a romantic-comedy, or without boring myself to death because romance films are the most boring type of film in the world. Hm. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
9:30 pm	Silent, but deadly. Me: OMG so there was this ant/spider/insect running along the edge of the tub while I was poopin' so I took a wad of toilet paper and smooshed him and as I leaned over, a fart shot and forced some poop out with it and it splattered against the inside of the toilet bowl and if my life had a soundtrack I sooo would have heard "We Are The Champions" by QUEEN Friend: ... Current Mood: victorious Current Music: Queen. You know what song. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 31st, 2004
3:56 am	Beads I ate two white plastic beads, a small wad of green plastic Easter grass, and a penny. So far, only one plastic bead has ( shown up. ) A few hours ago, I swallowed a tiny pink doll-hair brush, two gold beads, one white bead, some sparkly confetti, and Pikachu. Updates as they appear. Current Mood: full (Comment on this)
Friday, May 21st, 2004
3:38 am	Me and the Cap'n make things happen Cap'n Crunch and I have a long, long history together. It tastes good, sometimes I enjoy the raw, burning sensation of ripping the roof of my mouth apart from eating it, and, of course, the magical colors it turns my shit. Generally, it's green. But the amount of green depends on how much I eat. I can recall one summertime experiment (so many of my experiments take place during the summer months) wherein I ate, basically, nothing but Cap'n Crunch for several days. My feces was nearly neon green in shade. There are explanations, of course. One, which I personally do not believe, is that it is too under-digested. You see, food is green in the beginning of digestion, followed by... yellow, I believe, and eventually brown. If it's black, though, you have digested blood in your feces and that means an ulcer or some-such, and if it's red, you just tore your anus open (speaking of which, I have a friend who craps once a week and regularly rips his anus open. He's a remarkable man). Yet tonight, I had ingested Cap'N Crunch some 4 or 6 hours before crapping it out. That's plenty of digestion time. Another is that there is some odd dye in it that turns feces green. That is, admittedly, a more believable idea, but I don't buy it. I could understand if it were Crunch Berries, or some other Cap'n cereal with colored corn bits. But I primarily eat Cap'n Crunch, plain and simple. Just yellow corn bits. I've come to the conclusion that it is iron. So many cereals squall endlessly about their nutritional value and hide the sugar content, and I'd always assumed it was lies. But apparently, Cap'n Crunch is a good source of iron, as an excess of iron can turn feces green. Well, let it never be said I suffer from an iron deficiency. ( And this is pointless without pictures, of course. Brightness is enhanced, so that you can grasp the full color. ) Current Mood: ill (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
2:01 am	Empty I find that many times, after a particularly long, trying shit, I feel physically empty. That is to be expected, considering the amount I expell per session. However, sometimes, there is an emotional emptiness I feel and I feel distinctly sad. Usually I feel accomplished, proud, and so on. But sometimes it's it's just depressing. Like I've lost something vital or important. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)